Pieces

I had these pieces of myself

I threw in a closet

And forgot about

And now I've scattered them

And laid them out

I gave away what wasn't mine

And kept the things that

I was suppose to find.

I laid it out there.

One piece at a time.

Each object a memory.

And yeah it was scary.

But we learned to take it in stride.

So close...

...yet so far.

It is down to the wire now. I have pushed my move date till tomorrow. I still have a room full of shit. I still need to figure out what shit I'm going to take with me to Austin.

I could look around here and think that I have accomplished nothing...but that just simply isn't true. I wanted to go back to Austin with just my clothes and my computer. Unfortunately, that seems almost impossible at this point.

Sometimes I think about Buddhist monks and I wonder where they develop the discipline to live simply.

I have never been one that was capable of making a decision and then immediately making it happen. Some people are capable of saying, I am moving and they move and that is it.

Me?

Everything is a process. I live deeply. I cannot help it. My curiosity causes me to explore everything in great detail and that in turn requires a vast amount of time. But time is relative, is it not? I have my whole life to get to where I am going and if I've learned anything this summer it's that that is ok. I am where I need to be. I will go where I need to go and there is an infinite amount of time.

Live and Let Die

This song popped into my head this morning:

Thought it fitting.

It shouldn't be this hard.

Organization

I've realized that it's hard to be organized when you don't know what you're doing.

Why can't clarity and hindsight come first?

Sigh

This blog means a lot to me. It's interesting how it is different than my main one. It's helping me out but in a different way.

I have three weeks left in Plano. I thought this project was just going to be a summer thing, but I'm now realizing that this project will never end.

It's ok though because I'm aware of it now and I've accepted it and I will let it be what it is and what it is becoming.

I woke up today in a panic about what to do. I've been tottering around the house surveying the work that I have left to do before I go to New York on Friday.

There really isn't much left. I'm realizing that this project is best done in "rounds" -- meaning there must be many breaks and time to recover. It's also caused me to stop trying to make goals. Everyone of my goals ends up altered so I figure it's best to go in with no expectation. I promised I would give myself as much time as I need to get through it and goals just seem limiting right now.

Tyler has been a huge help. He has an uncanny ability to be there when it is important. That's a good quality to have.

I'm about to go have lunch with my grandpa. I definitely need to eat right now. I am going to do inventory this afternoon along with sorting out the donation items and organizing the rest of it.

I found the box above a few days ago. I loved what was inside of it. Pure childhood.

Saturday July 30.

RAWRRRRRR!

I have been sleeping all week in avoidance of the task that is now inevitable arrived. I really need help. I can't find the motivation to do it. It's horrible.

I've asked Tyler to come over and help me again. I've offered him free portraits and dinner. His response, "bribing me with goodies is unnecessary." Hah.

I've realized that I can't do this by myself. There are too many connections to these stupid items. It's easier when there is another person to help put everything into perspective.

I started coloring this when I was 9. I finally finished!

I've started sorting through my bathroom stuff. It's interesting to see how this is going to play out. I'm going to have to be hardcore and diligent to get through it. Hah.

I need to spend a lot of time on things tonight. I've been sleeping the past few days but now I'm ready to work through the night. I'm hoping that tonight will be a big step foreword.

One Of Many

I have many watches that I have held onto over the years. This one was given to me by my second mom, Mary Sheah. I love that woman with all my heart.

Progress

I've been looking at the why lately.

I've been trying to see beyond -- become aware of the why.

I've been letting go of memories and experiences and letting them be.

I've realized a lot about my ego. I've been working on learning to recognize what it actually is and to notice when it is active and to take the appropriate measures to put it at rest.

Practicing is doing and doing is being.

After throwing away 7 bags of trash and donating 6 bags to Goodwill, I feel like I've been making some sort of progress.

I've been learning that the best way to let go is to just do it.

Gotta Slow Down

Things have been hectic here.

I'm trying my best to remember to stay calm and to deal with things in a responsible and effective way.

It takes discipline.

Some Progress

I finished unpacking my clothes into my closet. I can see my clothes! Yay! I can wear them now!

The next thing I need to do is unpack my desk and set up my printer and what not. Then I shall tackle the bathroom. After that? I will confront my inner hoarder and proceed to liquify everything I own.

I'm learning to take things one day at a time. I was feeling discouraged yesterday. If I think about everything I need to do I definitely feel overwhelmed. But like the painted yard stick that hung on the wall when I was a child, "life is hard yard by yard. Inch by inch, it's a cinch!"

Patience. Patience. Patience.

As soon as I start sorting through everything I will post more pictures. I'm really looking forward to shooting. It's going to be fun setting everything up. I've decided that I want to "build" these images. I have so many things that I have kept because I like the way they look -- I always thought I could use them for something. Whelp, now's the time to use them.

*excited*

Holy Hell.

I wish I could take all of this shit and set it on fire.

I decided it would be best to just dig into my closet. Well...digging is exactly what has happened. What is all of this stuff? Where did it come from? Why have I never gotten rid of it? I seriously think I have never given away any of my clothes from childhood. It is time to rid these things.

What I really need is about three days of solid work. Unfortunately, I am busy for the next week or so. I've only had time to work on everything at night and by that point I am tired. I really want to get everything out of this room and move all of my Austin stuff into my room. Maybe I should make that my goal for tonight. If I can get the guest room empty by the end of the night I would feel much better. I don't like taking up all of this space.

Oh my lord. I just found moldy beer from back when I was underage. I don't even remember putting that in my closet. This is bad. This is real bad.

I also have a ridiculous amount of empty shoe boxes. Why? Why? AHHHHH!

I did find a box with a bunch of old pictures in them. These are the things I want to keep.

I need a giant trash bag to toss everything away. It's going to feel so good when that happens. Maybe I'll go and buy those trash bags tomorrow.

I saved trash. Why?

I know...what I know.

I am chilling in my room right now. It feels good.

I am trying to figure out how to rearrange my furniture. It's a hard room to arrange because it has three doors in it -- two of which are on the same side of the room. I want to change it up in here but I keep remembering why I have it the way I have it now.

It's ok though. It just means I need to get creative. I think I can make this happen. I'm excited. I've realized that I can't just jump into this project. I really have to take some time and think about the most efficient way to get through everything in my room.

I have decided that my first order of business is to take absolutely everything out of this room and put it into my brother's room. He's staying at SMU this year so his space is fair game for the project.

Next, I'm going to clean and rearrange all of the furniture in my bedroom and start moving in all of my stuff from Austin. These items are the most important things in my life right now. I need to be able to have easy access to them and know exactly where they are.

After that I will slowly go through every thing in Ethan's room.

I think this project is manageable. Yessss...

*sigh*

I don't want to do this. I'm lazy and it's so easy to ignore. =/

Starting.

I woke up this morning feeling super overwhelmed by the task at hand. There are two parts that are the hardest part of any project -- starting and ending.

One of my favorite professors at UT gave us a list of advice at the end of the semester. One that stuck out in particular was to make your bed every day before you leave the house.

It's hard to know where to start when there is shit everywhere so I took up his advice and started here.

I have always found that making my bed instantly creates calmness in my mind. I love the fabrics and textures of blankets and pillows. Beds typically are the most important part of a bedroom. They take up the most space and are the easiest focus point of the room.

Needless to say, I felt much better after I had made the bed. I then picked up everything on the floor and put it into the guest room. It's a good thing we have four bedrooms in this house and only two people are living here.

One of the biggest reasons I decided to move back up here for the summer is because of the space. I need a lot of room right now. I'm rearranging and reorganizing and it's harder to do that when you don't have your own space.

The current blanket I have on my bed is from my Aunt Katy. It's actually a tablecloth but I love the pattern on it.

I'm not willing to give this up yet -- really there's no reason to because it's actually being used right now.

This is only day two of the project. I've managed to create space in my room so that I can start sorting through stuff. I believe I'm going to start with the bathroom, but that is for tomorrow. I have accomplished enough for today.

Let Go: The Beginning

"Before the new chapter has begun, the old one has to be finished: tell yourself what has passed will never come back. Remember that there was a time when you could live without that thing or that person - nothing is irreplaceable, a habit is not a need."

-Paulo Coelho

I have never been the best at letting things go. It's something that I always try to convince myself I'm good at it, but the fact of the matter is that I have a bunch of stuff around me that I don't need. I convince myself that I need to hold on to these things for one reason or another -- typically it revolves around the desire to remember either a person or an experience.

I have taken a hiatus from life in Austin and moved back in with my dad. I've decided to take this time to take care of myself, move on from my past and prepare as much as I can for the future. I strongly believe in facing obstacles in life head on and this is my way of doing it.

Soul searching is a process. I hope letting go of these things will bring me closer to finding my inner peace. =)

Enjoy.